Take up space in your friendships, there's no shame in it

Always go to the funeral

In college, I had the immune system of a sickly Victorian child. I was perpetually dizzy, weak and breathless—inhaler in one hand, a packet of ORS in the other. Every so often, I’d be perched on a bench outside a classroom after getting hit by a dizzy spell, anxiously waiting for it to pass. My friend Angela would be beside me—sometimes, for hours—sacrificing her lunch breaks and idle time with no complaints.

Later, once we’d return to our flats, I’d feel a twinge of guilt for having taken up precious hours of her day. But more than anything, I was afraid she’d eventually grow tired of the time, care and patience that a friendship with a chronically ill person like me demanded, and that she would start resenting me.

But, when I’d thank her for staying by my side, she’d look indignant and shake her head, “You don’t have to thank me. It’s the bare minimum.” Looking back, I realise that she was right. What is the point of friendship if not to bear the slight inconvenience, the occasional detour, the discomfort of showing up even when you’re exhausted? But, more importantly, why is it so hard for us to rely on our friends?

The rift in our friendships

As it turns out, I’m not the only one who gets sucker-punched by shame while asking a friend for help. Kalyani Pawar*, a product marketing manager in Bhopal, admits that she struggles with relying on her friends, irrespective of how close they are. “Even if I ask my friends to just come pick me up from somewhere, I feel really bad,” she shares.

Neeharika Nene, an editorial assistant in London, maintains that she prefers not to inconvenience her friends, no matter how much of a pickle she’s in. “One night, I was supposed to meet my boyfriend at the airport, but ended up arriving too early. So I spent four hours in a Starbucks, even though my best friend lives five minutes away from the airport and I could’ve easily just gone to her house. But, for some reason, I felt like I’d be a burden on her.”

In a poll conducted on Tweak’s Instagram page, as well, a staggering 72% of the 502 people polled admit that they find it difficult to ask their friends for help. Sadly, this isn’t a recent phenomenon. Research shows that our friendships have been growing more detached, distant, and apathetic for several decades. In 2023, US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy released a report on the importance of social connection, in which he noted, “The number of close friendships has declined over the years. For instance, the amount of time different sets of respondents spent with friends in-person decreased from 30 hours per month in 2003, to 10 hours per month in 2020.”

While concerning, this trend is not entirely surprising. After all, our lives are busier than ever before, the costs of living have risen dramatically, and ‘therapy speak’ has slowly crept into our vocabulary, reminding us to protect our peace, be wary of trauma dumping (here’s how you can navigate their emotional episodes), and refrain from asking for emotional labour. An article by Vox confirms that while ‘therapy speak’ can be helpful in some cases, it robs our friendships of the nuance and empathy they deserve. “I think the problem is that we’ve turned everything into a commodity, so our time, money, effort—all of it is a commodity now. So, even if we ask our friends for something small, we’re told that we’re asking for ‘emotional labour’,” adds Nene.

The message is loud and clear: our friendships have taken a hit, turning us into increasingly self-reliant, hyper-individualistic beings. But, as author Sally Rooney, who is renowned for capturing the essence of current-day relationships in her fiction, explained at the Louisiana Literature Festival in 2018, this new individuated way of being has us straying from the undeniable truth: “We’re all connected in a network of human relationships all the time, which sustain us. The idea that you can move through the world as a self-sustaining individual is fiction. It’s a delusion, really,” she remarked.

But, accepting that we need other people to survive is only half the battle—the other half is figuring out how that translates into our day-to-day lives. After all, we’re all guilty of slinging around the term “taking up space”, but what does it actually mean?

The importance of taking up space

According to Mumbai-based psychotherapist, Moksha Pasricha, there’s no one answer to this question—taking up space can look different for every person. “It’s about figuring out what feels hard for you. Taking up space isn’t necessarily about becoming the loudest person in the room—it’s about doing the very thing that makes you feel vulnerable,” she explains. So, for instance, if you find yourself politely declining your friend’s offer to drop you home, it might be worth taking a leap of faith the next time it happens and saying “Sure, that would be great!”

And if you’re wondering why it’s necessary to take up space, the short answer is that it deepens your connection with the people around you. “Taking a history class together is a wholly different experience from having a friend help you move houses or run errands. These are shared experiences which are crucial for strengthening your friendship,” says Pasricha. Shared experiences like these can help you understand your friends better, establish trust and intimacy, and turn into shared memories, something you can laugh about and cherish years later.

Needless to say, this is far easier said than done. So, if you’re wrestling with the idea of taking up more space in your friendships, we’ve rounded up some small steps you can take to deepen the connection and allow yourself to be seen, heard and understood.

Getting good at getting help

Ask for small favours

If you’d rather bite into a sour lemon than rely on a friend, it may take a while to truly let go of the reins and be vulnerable. We’d suggest building your tolerance by asking for tiny favours—whether it’s asking them to lend you a pen, give you some advice, or refill your water bottle. It might help to know that a research study in 1969 found a surprising perk of asking for help—when we do someone a favour, we may actually end up liking that person more. So, sending that “Hey, can you help me with this?” text might make you more likeable, while simultaneously taking the load off your shoulders. It’s a win-win!

Show them the real you

Taking up space can sometimes just mean exhaling, letting go of your game face, and allowing your friends to witness the messy, less curated moments of your life. The idea of burdening your friend with an angry rant about Rajneesh from R&D may be enough to give you cold feet, but it’s worth remembering that your loved ones do care about you and will want to hear from you. “In fact, your friends may feel bad if you don’t confide in them or ask for help,” says Pasricha. “Plus, even if you’re asking them to come over and help you with chores, it doesn’t have to become a herculean task. It can also be a fun hangout,” she adds.

Be ready to be there for them

Reciprocity is a vital part of friendship, so be prepared to bear inconvenience in order to care for your friends too. Author Deirdre Sullivan encapsulates this perfectly in an essay about her father’s advice to always attend funerals. “‘Always go to the funeral’ means that I have to do the right thing when I really, really don’t feel like it. You know, the painfully under-attended birthday party. The hospital visit during happy hour. In my humdrum life, the daily battle hasn’t been good versus evil. Most days, my real battle is doing good versus doing nothing,” she says. Remember that your brief moment of discomfort can make an unbearable experience a little more bearable for someone else.

Forgive your friends when they disappoint you

While you try to take up space, it’s best to be aware of the fact that your friends are imperfect and are grappling with their own struggles. And perhaps, at the end of the day, taking up space is mostly about the realisation that you are still loved and cared for, even during conflicts, disagreements, and periods of absence. According to trauma-focused relationship therapist Prachi Saxena, it’s crucial to be mindful of your friend’s bandwidth and availability, so you don’t end up feeling resentful if they can’t be there for you sometimes. It’s also best to ask for what you want clearly, so you don’t set yourself up for disappointment. She recommends dividing your needs into three categories: advice, action, and support, so your friends know exactly what you’re seeking.

There’s no doubt that taking up space—in a society that has forced us to be detached and hyper-independent—can feel like an impossible task. But, while it’s hard to bear the discomfort of relying on someone else—knowing fully well that they have the power to hurt, disappoint, and reject you—remember that it’s much harder to live a solitary life with nobody to turn to and nobody to inconvenience.

*Names changed upon request