19 questions to help you decide if you're ready to join the baccha party
Is the ‘4 am feeds and round-the-clock diaper changes’ lifestyle for you?
They’re not exaggerating when they say the arranged marriage biodata is like filling up a job application. They want to know everything from your height, weight and salary to that secret mole on the sole of your right foot and how much your chacha’s son earns. In short, they’re tiresome. But filling one out made me confront a question I’d never answered clearly before: did I really want kids, or was I just conditioned to believe they were a natural milestone, and as a woman, the most (the only) natural inclination? I realised I needed to know my mind before getting ready to circle the havan kund.
I assumed the pros of having kids would outweigh the cons—now, I’m not so sure. The difficulties are seemingly endless. Pushing a watermelon-sized human out of my narrow vaginal canal? The irrevocable body changes that follow—uncontrollable farts, pee leaks, sore nipples (that might eventually fall off?), the hormone overload? Not to mention, the exorbitant diaper bills, and the fact that school fees today can cost more than a fresher’s first annual salary. And once you wrap your head around those, only the lifelong work of raising a decent human!
It’s no surprise, then, that more women are choosing a child-free life. As per a Lancet study, India’s fertility rate is projected to decrease to 1.75 by 2027 and fall below 1.29 by 2050. This is in stark contrast to the rate of 6.2 in 1950 to just under 2 in 2021. According to a 2024 news report, the number of DINKS (Dual Income No Kids) is increasing in India. One of the reasons being, that earlier kids were seen as a budhape ka sahara but “the cost of raising children today has outstripped the possible returns in old age,” the report in The New Indian Express states. Knowing what we know about the world as urban, educated women—seeing the endless wars, rising inflation, environmental issues and the pressure to be successful through it all, do we even want to put another human, especially one procreated by us, through this chaos? And where does that leave us and our dreams? How do we pick between our around-the-world-in-80-years travel dream and raising a carbon copy of ourselves?
If these are questions that are keeping you up at night as well, we reached out to Mumbai-based couple and family therapist Naina Shahri to understand how to navigate this fog of confusion so we can arrive at the right decision. “Rationalising and intellectualising is only one way of processing the world and information around us. Many of us may feel connected with our bodies and emotions and know whether we want or don’t want a biological child,” Shahri says. “Yet, the world we live in is very demanding, and being a parent is a huge responsibility. So asking yourself the right questions can help you explore whether you are prepared to be a parent.”
19 questions to ask yourself before having kids
About a support system
1. It takes a village to raise a child—do you have people around you who will contribute to child care? If yes, do your values align with those who will be contributing to raising the child?
2. Do you have an emotional support system around you beyond your partner, like parents and friends? Having a strong band of people to depend upon can help you sail through the big emotional changes and overwhelming feelings of being a parent even if it’s just for venting about the lack of sleep you’re getting.
3. Do you have access to reliable sources of guidance and information? These could include friends who have been through pregnancy and raising a child, elders in the family, books, and online spaces where people share their experiences. These also include medical professionals, therapists, etc.
About the financials
4. Do you have autonomy over your finances? This will help make and implement decisions to support yourself and your child.
5. Do you have a plan for anticipated expenses and emergencies related to your child and yourself? Financial stress is one of the most commonly experienced pressures as a parent—this question is relevant for people from all income groups and will help you make informed choices about your and your child’s lifestyle.
6. Do you and your partner align on how you manage finances? Discussions about how your investments would change, which expenses are non-negotiable for you as a couple and as individuals, and which ones you’d be willing to let go of, can help you understand if you’re financially prepared to have a kid and the lifestyle changes that could entail.
About partnership and co-parenting
7. Are you able to openly communicate difficult feelings with your partner and how do you resolve conflicts? This will help you evaluate whether you and your partner are equipped to handle disagreements in a way that doesn’t interfere with caring for or raising the child.
8. Do you or your partner have certain hidden expectations from your future child? Many times we may expect our child to look, behave, and achieve things in a certain way that may not match the child’s needs, dreams or aspirations.
9. There are three aspects to parenting—guidance, nurturing, and setting limits. How do you set limits in your relationships? How does your partner set limits with people in their life? Do your styles of setting limits feel healthy and align with each other?
10. Have you and your partner discussed the division of responsibilities as parents? Two people living together and deciding to be parents comes with many roles and responsibilities—those of being a romantic partner, roommate, financial partner, and partner in family settings. Traditionally, the responsibility of child care is placed on women, and conversations about how this will play out in your home need to be had openly.
About self-awareness and self-care
11. Are you open to challenging your biases? Biases are natural and we all have them, but the next generation always challenges your beliefs in some way. The openness to learning while at the same time centring yourselves in what is important to you, will help you navigate relationships with children.
12. How do you show up for yourself when you are having a hard time? Knowledge about what works for you emotionally is essential because parenting is equal parts caring for oneself and the child.
13. How do you respond to stress? Do you tend to be aggressive, avoid the situation, or shut down? Does it become hard to handle stressful situations? There’s no one right way, this question is only to build awareness so that you can be mindful with children.
14. Are there areas you struggle with that you would like to work on? For example, some people may struggle to maintain a routine, some may struggle to care for themselves, visit doctors when they are unwell. And some may find it hard to disconnect from work and be present. As a parent, you’ll be responsible for the well-being of your child, and this exercise will help you understand if you’re ready to make space for someone who’s wholly dependent on you.
15. What are your reasons for wanting to have a child? Most of us are conditioned to believe that one must have children, or that it’s the only way to take our legacy ahead. These reasons may help us conform to the structures taught to us but also end up placing expectations or conditions on the child that may not be meaningful. Are there reasons apart from these?
16. Having a child is a major transition and will impact all aspects of life including family relationships, partnered relationships, work, and friendships. How have you and your partner managed previous life transitions? What have been some stabilising factors in these times?
About work-life balance
17. How do you and your partner manage time between work, socialising and spending time at home?
18. Are you and your partner open to making some lifestyle changes—including changes in sleep routines, meal times, and leisure time?
19. Would your work accommodate time and compensation for raising a child—are there policies for maternity and paternity leave? Is there discrimination at work for taking these benefits? If you’re a freelancer or own your business, what would the financial implications of dedicating more time to your child be?
“A woman’s body is her own, nobody can tell her whether she should or should not have children,” says Shahri and rightly so. You don’t have to feel pressured to choose a life with kids just because you’re biologically able to. It’s a big decision that massively alters how you live life. The right cues for introspection can help you sift through your doubts, examine your fears and test your convictions, so when you finally decide which path to go down, you’ll know it’s the right one for you.
